Every aspect of life that requires you to show up is going to demand two major resources: time and energy. Whether the challenge is raising a family, maintaining a career, going back to school to gain new skills, or just indulging in a hobby that enriches your spirit—if you don’t put your energy into it, you won’t get good results. And if you don’t put any time in, well, it might not happen at all.
The reason we remind ourselves and each other to be grateful is because genuine gratitude increases our happiness. It feels good to consider all of the comforts and blessings we possess, but it’s easy to stop looking at the blessings we see every day, the gifts that nearly everybody has.
If you’re reading this blog you are probably already a part of the Death Positive movement, or at the very least, you would consider yourself death-curious.
From a certain point of view, death as a conversation topic shouldn’t seem unusual at all. People have been dying for as long as we’ve been people (maybe even longer!), and yet, the Death Positive Movement is considered a fairly new development. So new that a lot of people haven’t even heard of it.
Especially for us as doulas, it is important to be comfortable talking to people about death and dying, and to be willing to start those conversations with them. We know that if we don’t, those conversations might not happen until it’s too late.
People will tell you this is difficult to do, considering it’s such a delicate topic and people tend to be uncomfortable discussing it. But the truth is, it’s the easiest thing in the world. In fact, most new acquaintances will give you an opening as soon as you meet them. When we meet new people one of the first things they often ask is, what do you do for a living? Just by answering this question, you are opening the conversation.
When you tell people you are a death doula or work in end-of-life care, you may be surprised how many of them will immediately want to know more, or will begin telling you about their own experiences with death or loss. This is a topic that, whether they admit it or not, people need to talk about.
Simply by letting people know that death is a welcome topic, you are inviting them to share stories that they may normally feel they are not allowed to tell. Not everyone is going to be ready to go there right away, but it may surprise you how many people will quickly open up when they understand that you are willing to listen. Before you know it, you may find an opening to ask them how prepared they are themselves, and whether they might need some assistance getting their documents in order. Or you might learn that they currently have someone in their lives who is approaching the end of life, and they have questions about how they’re supposed to deal with it.
Whether your new acquaintance is in the market for a death doula or not, it will be worth having the conversation, every time. Be open about what you do and why you do it, show people that you aren’t afraid to think about or talk about death, and you’ll be setting an example. Show people they don’t have to be afraid to talk about death, and guess what? Over time, more and more people will stop being afraid to talk about death.
And isn’t that what the Death Positive Movement is all about?
When death touches a family, it is always going to cause sadness and stress. Knowing what to do—that is, having a plan—can lessen that stress, sometimes by a great deal. And the “plan” used to follow those well-known, traditional rituals. People knew what to do because it was the same thing they had always done before. But nowadays, either through choice or forgetfulness, people are not turning to those rituals the way they used to.
A lot of people would describe Halloween as the most “fun” holiday of the year. Dressing up in wild costumes, free candy exchange, general mischief—whether you like a tame and friendly experience or an intense fright fest, Halloween has a little something for everybody.
If you really love what you’re doing, you may think you don’t need a break. Take one anyway, even just a few minutes every day. This work will fill your heart, but it will deplete your energy. And getting away for a little while lets you come back with new energy and fresh eyes, allowing you to be even more effective at what you need to do.
When it comes to helping your clients through the holidays, as with any other challenge, what they might want or need won’t necessarily be what you might expect. But as always with grief, as long as you make space and listen, your clients will let you know the best way to help them through.