For most of us, the hardest part of doula work is finding clients—especially our first client.
I don’t know about you, but the area where I live is fairly conservative, culturally if not politically. When I tell people I do this kind of work, more than half of them have never heard of such a thing. The vast majority of people I talk to are extremely interested; they have questions about what a death doula does and how they do it. When I answer their questions, they agree that it sounds like important and valuable work, but not anything they themselves are in need of.
Three times in the past year, I have connected with people who have a family member with a terminal diagnosis, and let them know they could call me if they needed anything at all. In every case, they said thank you but we don’t need anything yet… not yet… not yet… and then the person died.
I don’t know if these people had made their own preparations and truly had no need of doula services, or if the idea of a doula was something they thought of as an unusual or unnecessary expense. I don’t know if it ever occurred to them that a doula could still be a help to them after the fact. (I did follow up and even went to funerals; but it definitely didn’t feel like an appropriate time to be a salesman!)
I think what it really boils down to is that in many places, death work is still not normalized. The problem isn’t that people don’t want or need the services of a death doula; it’s that they have never heard of a death doula in the first place. Nobody they know has ever hired a death doula. Why should they?
Well, we all know why they should. But just walking up and telling them point-blank probably won’t make much of a difference. People hate being told what to do, and as David Kessler likes to remind us, when you give unsolicited advice it nearly always sounds like criticism. That’s not going to help anybody.
If this all sounds familiar to you, here is what you can do: Talk about death. Whenever you get the chance, with whoever is willing to listen. A lot of people think of death as one of those topices to be avoided, but ironically it’s a much safer topic than religion or politics. Everyone is going to die and almost everyone knows someone who has died already. People want to share their stories and opinions, and when they learn you’re an expert, they will probably want to hear yours. Sooner or later, people will learn that’s your thing, and they will probably come to you if they have things to say.
And that’s the whole point. Not to get clients (although of course you want that, and you should make sure the people around you know you’re a doula), but to normalize the topic. The real reason people won’t call a death doula until it’s too late is the same reason they don’t go into hospice until it’s too late—because death scares them. Each of us needs to do our part to help our communities understand that death doesn’t have to be scary, even though it will always be sad. Show them they don’t have to be afraid to talk about it, or to think about it, and that being prepared isn’t going to call disaster down upon them.
It might take a while to warm them up to the concept, but that’s all right. We’re playing the long game here, and all of us are on the same team.
