I don’t know how many mantras a person is allowed to have but I sure do hope it’s more than one, because I personally have at least a couple dozen, some of which I have already shared with you right here on the IDLM blog.
Hopefully you are in the mood to add a new mantra to your own list, because this morning I was reminded of another one of my favorites, and it’s one I think every doula should have in their metaphorical mantra bag. Here it is:
- People won’t remember the words you said, but they will remember the way you made them feel.
In my time at IDLM, whether in classes, continuing education workshops, or casual discussion groups, something I have heard people say over and over again (and felt myself) is, “I’m worried that when I work with clients I won’t know what to say, or I will say the wrong thing.”
What a genuine fear to have! Our whole goal as doulas is to bring comfort and support to our clients during a difficult time, and we all know how insufficent words can be during times of stress, grief, and uncertainty. The last thing we want to do is say something that would set off terrible memories or associations for our client, or make them feel worse in any way. But how can we know what that might be?
Good news! I have another mantra for that:
- You were given two ears and one mouth to remind you that you should listen twice as much as you talk.
I know it can feel like you’re supposed to be the expert in the situation, and the expert should have all the answers. And the person who has all the answers should be the one doing the talking, right?
But doula work isn’t always about talking, it’s about support. It’s about listening. And when it comes to individual cases, you will never be as much of an expert on your client’s feelings as they are. Let them tell you how they are feeling, what they are unsure of, what has them nervous or upset. A lot of the time you won’t have an answer, but a lot of the time they won’t want one anyway. They just need someone to talk to. Which leads me to my last, best, and most favorite mantra:
- Your client wants to love you, but first they want to know that you love them.
I first heard this particular mantra years ago, from a friend of mine who does stand up comedy (he used the word “audience” instead of “client”), and it literally changed my life. I learned to carry this attitude with me working with tour groups when I worked in the hospitality industry, into auditions when I have dabbled in theatre, into classrooms when I have led writing workshops, and I can tell you from personal experience that it works every time, as long as you show up sincerely, with presence, openness, and real love. Whoever you are speaking to, be delighted to speak to them. Be excited to help them, and be excited that you get to help that specific person. Trust me, they will feel that energy from you and they will respond.
What other mantras do you have that can be useful in doula work? Share them with us in the Movement so that all of us can increase our mantra collections!
