When it comes to working with people as an end of life doula, the first and most important thing to do is
simply to start the conversation. Once people feel like they are safe to talk about death and dying, they
often open up quickly to share stories about their loved ones who have died or their own preferences
for how things should be handled when they die themselves. I have one friend who loves to tell people
he wants his remains to be shot into space—and he’s a pastor!
The hard part is, how to start these conversations in the first place? Some of us are natural extroverts
who have no problem at all talking about ourselves and our passion for death-related work. But some of
us aren’t as good at grabbing the spotlight, especially if we spend most of our time around people who
think death is not an appropriate topic for the dinner table (even if they secretly have all kinds of things
they wish they could say about it, if only someone would give them the chance).
Unfortunately there is no one-size-fits-all answer for how to start conversations about death. But one
thing that seems to work pretty well is making a pre-arranged space for it. All over the world, there are
people hosting Death Cafes, Death Salons, Death Over Dinner, and dozens of other variations to create
an atmosphere where people feel like it’s okay to ask questions and share thoughts about death,
because that’s the whole reason they are there to begin with.
At IDLM we hold monthly Death Positive Talks. Hosted by Linde Carter, Kristina Golden, or sometimes
other long-time IDLM members, we come together on the first Friday of each month. Sometimes we
discuss a pre-arranged topic and other times the discussion is more open and spontaneous, but
everyone is more than welcome to share their thoughts and questions, and especially their unique
experiences. These conversations are not just educational, they are great practice for newer doulas who
are looking to gain knowledge, or who might be a little shy about putting themselves out there.
The more conversations you have about death, the easier it is to have conversations about death. And
the more you talk to new people, the easier it is to talk to new people. If you have never joined one of
our Death Positive Talks, we would love to see you at the next one, on Friday April 4. You can also find
Death Cafes in your own area or conducted online by visiting deathcafe.com.
It can be scary just putting yourself out there, especially if you aren’t used to it. But the hard truth is,
talking to strangers about tough subjects is a huge part of being a doula. So come chat with us at our
Death Positive Talks and build up those muscles. Before you know it, you may be hosting conversations
of your own!
