I went to a funeral last week. It was the third I have been to over the past year or so, and it was different from the other two that it really got me thinking about the different ways people get together to give the people we love their final sendoff.
They say funerals are for the living and that is very true. We use memorials services to express our grief and share it with one another, to affirm our relationships with the people in our life who are still living and to show up one last time for someone we cared about. The dead person is beyond caring about any of this.
But in a way, funerals really are for the dead as well. Every funeral, wake, memorial service, or celebration of life I have ever attended was planned with the deceased in mind, and consideration for what they might have liked—her favorite scripture, his favorite song. For example, I was at a funeral last year for a woman who had been devoutly Catholic, and the ceremony was somewhat formal, with a priest officiating and reciting a mass for her soul. Nearly everyone wore church clothes and came in black if they had it. I could tell it was the kind of ceremony she would have wanted for herself. By contrast, the memorial service I attended last week was held at an event hall. Everyone came in jeans and rock n roll t shirts, and there was Dr Pepper for everyone (the deceased’s favorite beverage). The special musical number was a song by Metallica.
These days, many people are abandoning the word “funeral” and instead use the term “celebration of life.” This could not be more appropriate, because the ultimate purpose of these ceremonies is to gather one last time with others to celebrate someone we all cared about. Individually, we will all grieve on our own timeline and in our own way. We even choose our own individual ways to remember, whether that means making regular visits to a gravesite, or keeping a photo of our deceased loved one next to our bed. These personal rituals are important, but there is something particularly special and important about coming together as a group to share memories and love for someone who was once a part of the community, to recognize that they may have had different connections with every person there but that they meant something to everyone.
So what about you? How do you hope the people in your life will celebrate you after you go? (Or even before you go! I know more than one person planning a send-off party for themselves, so they can enjoy the memories along with everyone else.) Do you want something solemn and somber, peaceful and contemplative… or do you want a raging party? It’s all up to you, but remember, the best way to make sure it’s what you want is to communicate your wishes to the people around you. In the meantime, come tell the rest of us over on the Movement. Maybe we can give each other some good ideas!
