There are many reasons why people considering their end of life plans might call in a death doula, but what most of those reasons boil down to is that these people have a lot of questions, and they want to connect with someone who has the answers.
Well, here’s the big secret: You, the doula, might not have the answers either. In fact, a lot of the time you won’t. Over time and with experience, you will naturally gather a great deal of knowledge and have more and more of it at your fingertips as you go. But whether you have five decades of experience or five weeks, there is never anything wrong with saying, “I don’t know.”
In some ways, doulas are like librarians; they don’t keep all the answers in their head because that would be impossible. The expertise is not in having all the answers, but in knowing where to find the answer to any question that might come up. And even that might take two or three tries, depending on how unusual and specific the question is.
When a client comes to you with a question and you don’t immediately have the answer, you don’t have to pretend to know anything you don’t. Be ready with, “I can find out,” “Let me research that for you,” or “Maybe we can figure that out together.” In many cases, not only will your client be okay with you needing some time to find answers for them, they will appreciate seeing you put in the effort to find the perfect answer just for them.
So when these questions come up, where will you go for those answers? As a member of IDLM, you can always check with your doula colleagues at the Movement. Make connections with other doulas who live near you, so you can help each other out. There are also other resources you ought to be keeping track of in your own local community. It is good to know at least one or two hospice services in your area, and to be acquainted with local funeral homes as well—even if it’s only by reputation or through their websites.
It can be difficult to make these connections when you are just starting out, but again, there is nothing wrong with telling a client you are aware of a hospice service or estate lawyer but you have not used their services before. Be honest about your level of knowledge and allow your client to guide your search as you consider their particular needs.
Over time, your knowledge base will grow. One day you will have a conversation with someone and realize you had the answer to all their questions without even having to check, and you’ll say to yourself, “Didn’t this used to be hard?”
In the meantime, we’re here for you. A few hundred doulas are better than one, so we’ll see you on the Movement!
